After 43 years of marriage, you’d think my husband Carl and I would have it all figured out. But the truth is, we’re still learning—still growing, still discovering new ways to connect. One of the most transformative lessons came from a book by Dr. Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages. It introduced me to the idea that people express and receive love in five distinct ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Carl and I speak different languages of love.
His language is acts of service. Mine is words of affirmation. I naturally want to tell him he’s doing a great job when he fixes something or helps around the house. But I’ve learned that those words, while kind, don’t necessarily fill his emotional tank. What lights him up is when I do something for him—clean his car, mow the lawn, take a task off his plate. That’s when I see his shoulders relax and his heart lift.
Carl, in turn, shows love through service. He’s less likely to hand out praise, but he’s always doing something thoughtful and practical to make my life easier. Since reading the book, I’ve come to appreciate these gestures more deeply. And when he does offer words of affirmation—which he does often—they feel especially meaningful to me.
Some of my favorite memories of Carl’s love-in-action:
- He engineered a pulley system for my art studio, which has a loft and a steep ladder. He worried about me carrying supplies up and down safely, so he designed a clever system using an antique pulley, rope, and a basket. It’s one of my favorite features of the studio—thoughtful, functional, and uniquely Carl.
- One Christmas, he upcycled a clock for me. He hand-painted “We love you mom” on the face and cut out photos of our three kids’ heads, pasting them to the clock hands. The little heads danced around the face at different angles, and when they aligned, it made me laugh out loud. It was simple, sweet, and absolutely perfect.
- I’m a sensitive soul and a lover of animals. It pains me to see any creature harmed. Carl knows this, and more than once, he’s moved an animal off the side of the road so I wouldn’t have to see it on my next drive. That quiet act of caring speaks volumes.
Learning each other’s love language hasn’t always come naturally. It takes intention, patience, and a willingness to stretch beyond our comfort zone. But it’s also brought us closer, helping us see the love that’s always been there—just spoken in a different dialect.
Love isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s a pulley system, a roadside act of kindness, or a clock with dancing heads. And sometimes, it’s the quiet work of learning to speak in a way that truly lifts.
